About Grief

Many times this week I have thought about my friend Terry. She died one week ago today. Grief is a peculiar thing. I have not experienced it in great degree much in my life. But I have in little ways.

Did you know that you can experience a small death? There are many things in this life that we simply do not have control over and often our desires are thwarted by them. We dream of the way our lives will go, we make our plans, and we work towards building and creating the world in which we want to live. This is a good thing. God created us with the ability to hope and dream and create. But sometimes, despite our best efforts and intentions, those plans don't quite work out and we are faced with loss.

Most people tend to think of grief as being a result of the death of a person. And while it most certainly is, that is not all there is. Grief is defined as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. How often in your life have you wanted something so badly and worked for it so hard only to have it kept or taken away from you? You probably grieved over the loss, over the small death of your dream and efforts.

Losing a job is a small death. Or even a lack of being able to attain a job in a particular career field is a small death. Growing up with the belief that you would raise your families together with your brother or best friend only to discover you aren't living in the same state is a small death. Infertility and divorce also fall into this category.

When Terry died I was made aware of how differently grief effects each person. The way I feel is not the same way my husband feels, and the ways in which we feel is most certainly nothing like the way Terry's family feels. The hole left is often something that I know many of us wish we could just cover up and pretend is not there. I think that's why we say things that really aren't helpful in an attempt to comfort each other.

In Terry's case, many people have said things like "It's good that she is not suffering now" or "She is completely healed with Jesus". Both are very true, but neither does little to ease the suffering of those who are left behind. Our hearts hurt, and rightly so. Sometimes people make the mistake of believing that Christians should not grieve, but that is severely erroneous. Of all people in the world grief is one of the most appropriate reactions for someone who follows Jesus because our hearts are keenly aware that things are not as they should be. All forms of sin, all kinds of self-destructive behavior, sickness and especially death are the tell-tale-signs that our world is broken. Scripture tells us how much this grieves God. And it should grieve us, too.

Since Terry's funeral I have read and heard the word's of the apostle Paul many times that we do not grieve as those who have no hope, and I have wrestled over what that means. There is no where in the Bible that says we should not grieve, and scripture is filled with a myriad of examples of Godly men and women who were wrought with grief. Even Christ's heart was burdened with sorrow. God never promised that we would have an easy ride. But He did promise to walk with us through the valleys, and to give us peace, comfort and hope. And I believe it is the addition of hope to grief that staves off despair, and that is what makes the difference.

When someone who follows Jesus dies, there is a very big difference in the death. Death would be a final, irreversible separation from God were it not for the sacrifice of Christ. Jesus made a way for us back to God, and it is through His way that our world can be made right. When a Christian dies, the soul that death would claim is snatched from its grasp by Christ, and so death loses it's prize. Terry did not lose the fight with cancer; the cancer lost the fight with God.

I know I will see my friend Terry again. I wish that she were still here with me, with her family, now. I wish that cancer did not exist and that it did not separate her from the people who loved her. But I do know that I will see her again, and that God will help us all to walk on.