What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Lately I have found myself struggling with thoughts of what to do with my life. Perhaps that shouldn't be surprising considering that I'm unemployed and was feeling unhappy in my last job. I have been struggling greatly with the thought of myself as a graphic designer. I have been looking at other designer's online portfolios and have been consistently, painfully, blown away at how much better their work is compared to mine. I cannot not help but wonder if when I send in my resume to companies if they go to my portfolio and think, "She's worked for five years and this is all she has to show for it? What a joke!"

I can't be surprised if that's the case. If I were truthful to myself I would say that Baker was always just a job for me. I've known other designers or artists and they live and breath their work. They are creating and designing and reading about design and thinking and talking about design outside of their office. They love it. They are wholeheartedly dedicated to it. And I never was.

Outside of the office I never read magazines or blogs about design. If you asked me what the latest trend in design is I couldn't tell you. When I left the office I LEFT the office. I spent time reading cookbooks and fitness magazines. I would work on sewing projects. I'd bake and talk on the phone with friends and hang out with Alex. I wouldn't think about design. I wouldn't peruse the internet reading articles and looking at other people's work. Several times I even tried to motivate myself to learn HTML and web design because I knew it would help me but I never could make myself just sit down and do it.

Before you tell me that I am being too hard on myself, that no one does the things I have written, stop. The reality of the matter is that there are indeed people involved in the creative design field that do those very things. I know a few. It's not to say that they don't have lives and are not social, but they are very dedicated to their craft. It excites them. They live and breath it.

I do not. And perhaps I can never be.

It is a startling conclusion. I've felt dissatisfied for quite some time now and I am beginning to suspect that it may be because I am missing something. I am missing dedication. For the last five years I have dabbled in this and that, doing a little of this and a little of that, and really just scratching the surface of many things. My personality, by default, is attracted to randomness. Call it a short attention span if you want but really it's just that I am excited by change. That is a strength and a weakness. My desire to avoid the mundane and routine is most likely what has allowed me to survive the ups and downs of the past three years so well. And yet, I know that it makes it hard for me to dedicate myself to becoming truly exceptional at something.

I am currently sitting in a Starbucks in Gaslight Village (a small, quaint, almost disgustingly idyllic wealthy part of GR filled with boutiques, salons and restaurants) and on my way here I mused over whether or not Mozart ever wished he had been a baker, or if Steve Jobs (CEO of Apple for those of you with your head under a rock) wished he would have been a tour guide, of if Michael Phelps wishes he would have been a veterinarian, or if even Mother Teresa wished she would have gone to cosmetology school (probably not, but I'm trying to make a point here). It seems that people in our world who we would consider truly exceptional are those who dedicate their entire lives to perfecting a certain craft, ability or calling.

The possibility that I have been afraid of missing something and thus not just picking one thing and sticking with it has haunted me of late. I don't think it's because I feel like I can't, but just because what if it ends up not being just perfect for me? I will have wasted too much effort and time that I can never get back. At yet, each path grows shorter the longer I stay.

And so I have decided to ask myself a question. If I cannot dedicate myself to design, truly living and breathing it and feeling invigorated by it, what can I dedicate myself to? Actually, an even more important question is one that I ask you, dear reader:

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Whoa. Scary, huh? Think about it for a moment. Don't worry about what's the most logical... don't worry about what's the safest. What would you do? Would you become a doctor? Would you move to Hawaii and open a resort? Would you become a writer or a pastor? I believe that this question reveals the deepest longings of our hearts. Ask the question to yourself. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Perhaps the happiest person in the world would answer, "Exactly what I'm doing right now."

Me? It's only fair for me to answer my own question. I would open a small bakery and coffee/tea shop in a disgustingly idyllic neighborhood like Gaslight Village. I'd offer fresh baked delights like donuts, scones, muffins and cakes. I'd give discounts to veterans and police, fire, military and EMT personal. I'd be closed on Sundays and open early Monday through Friday. I'd offer classes to people that wanted to learn how to make a popover and on Friday and Saturday nights I'd invite local musicians (jazz and classical) to showcase their skills. And maybe if I got really ambitious I'd learn how to make candies and start offering those, too.

The second thing I'd do if I knew I could not fail would be to become a professional classical guitar maestro. Oh yeah. Don't know if I could make any money doing that, but it is a desire.

So, we'll see what happens over the next few weeks. I am not certain what God has in store for me, but I do know that I'm tired of doing the same thing and I am in search of a passion that I can live for.

Perhaps in the end I will find that it was design all along and I just needed to take a break. If not, I will be playing Bach's Partita for lute in E Major while offering free samples of tarts and coffee at my shop's open house.