Jesus Loves You, This I Know

Unlike my first time around at college I am not here to make friends. That may sound somewhat callous but the fact of the matter is that when I am on campus I am attending class, studying or doing homework. I try to get as much as I possibly can done while I'm at school so that I can spend my free time with Alexander and my friends or practicing guitar and taking care of things at home. When time is all you own you spend it very wisely. Usually this means that I spend extremely little of it socializing with other students. Regardless I am getting to know some people and occasionally I will spare a few minutes to chat.

CC is a very diverse crowd. It's refreshing considering I spent almost the last decade of my life surrounded by a rather homogeneous crowd. I was beginning to feel a little too sheltered and was excitedly nervous for the opportunity to have some contact with someone other than a middle to upper middle class, educated person who was working full time and regularly attends church. Don't misunderstand me, I love the folks in my life who fit that description; they are fantastic people. But if you can help it, I think it's always good to associate with others from all different walks of life. It keeps things interesting and helps you to understand the whole of humanity better (I'm oversimplifying it of course, but roll with me).

Human beings are creatures of habitual comfort zones. We don't like change, and we all prefer what's familiar and easily understandable. I am no exception. It takes a concerted effort to get outside of one's comfort zone and most of the time it takes an even greater effort to find a good reason as to why we should even bother. It's not easy, after all. But I find that when I have made the effort the benefits have far outweighed the initial awkwardness. I try to keep that in mind and as a result I am not easily rattled by folks who walk different paths than me. If they are anything like me (and let's face it, we are all far more similar than we care to admit) any flamboyancy a person who is different from me may possess is most likely bravado. Usually, if you can look past it, there is a very similar, simple person underneath with the same kinds of hopes, fears, struggles and longings. Usually then end up being pretty interesting and you can learn something from them, too.

However, as I mentioned before, I will admit to finding different people slightly intimidating at times. It's natural and I'm human, so I extend myself some grace in that area, deciding that at least having a willingness to try is worth more. For me the people I wonder about the most are those who are severely antagonistic towards God. It's been a while since I've known any. In Christian circles and in our worship services, congregation meetings and Bible studies you hear much about the importance of sharing your faith and telling others about Jesus (there is something to be said about sharing your faith amongst other believers, and I feel that area of sharing faith isn't focused on nearly enough, but that's another blog entry). And that's what scary.

For some reason most Christians I know, including myself, find it hard to talk about the very God we claim to love so much. Honestly I can understand why; the whole world is tilted against us and it's easy to worry about what to say and how you'll sound and what the consequences will be. I myself have pondered those very things many times (I think it can be especially hard for people pleasers like myself because we don't like to upset others). But Jesus commands that we share what He has done for us, and really when something is so important to us we should be able to talk about it and in fact not really be able to not talk about it. I am not that great at sharing my faith. But it's something I want to get better at. And something that I know to be true, in the deepest part of my soul, is that anything God commands us to do, He will help us to do. Granted, it may be a process of growth as most things in life are (spiritual matters are NOT an exception), but I have a deep conviction that God will not fail me in areas He wants me to be strong in. I know that if I ask Him to help me become better at talking about Him and Jesus to others, He will do so.

And so I feel anxiously excited about how God will answer that prayer. I've certainly come across many people here in the past month who don't seem to claim Christ. And I've met a few who seem to claim Christ. Mostly I have been watching, waiting and listening, praying from time to time when I hear certain things spoken. In Craig Gross's new book Jesus Loves You, This I Know, his overall theme is that any meeting you have with any person, Christian or not, is an opportunity to love them and to show them God's love. That's it. Really it takes the pressure off when I remember that Jesus does the changing of a person's heart, not me. I am commanded to share. I am not commanded to convince. It also helps when I remember that I don't need to defend God. I don't need to protect the Bible, and I don't need to defend God's honor (I think someone who placed the stars in the heavens and carved out the ocean's bed can take care of himself). All I am commanded to do is love and share.

Everyday I come to school I spend a little time in the student commons of the music building. I have a locker in that building I keep my guitar in. A group of regulars hangs out there during various parts of the day and many of them are becomming familiar to me. One such student is a young man who has spoken somewhat vehemently against the church on a few occasions. Since none of his comments were directed at me I haven't spoken up about anything he's said. I feel sorrow in my heart over the things he has said, but also knew that trying to talk to him during those times could have possibly turned into an argument that would have done more harm than good. And so I have watched, listened, waited and prayed.

Today when I walked into the student commons he was sitting at one of the tables with some of the other students and he was tearing bits of pages out of a small Gideon's Bible that some men had passed out on campus a few weeks earlier. He held it up to me and asked, "Have you had your daily dose of fairytales today, miss?"

I smiled and replied as I walked to my locker, "I don't think they're fairytales."

He snorted and dropped his head to the table. His friends laughed. And nothing more was said.

I left the room, marveling at how the Holy Spirit had dropped the words into my mouth for me. I do not know if more extensive dialogue will develop out of what happened today, but I know I don't need to be concerned with the results. When God gives the opportunity my job is to pull weeds, maybe plant a seed, and let the master be concerned with the growth. And regardless, one thing is for certain:

Jesus loves you, this I know.

Calculator how I love thee... let me count the ways

Yesterday I took my first math test in nearly a decade. It has been a long time since I felt racked by anxiety. I am not completely sure what it was that made me so nervous. I have been doing very well in class (getting a 94% on all the homework thus far) and felt I had a good grasp on all the concepts. I think what freaked me out was not being able to check my answers with a calculator. I will admit to being somewhat calculator dependent. But not quite in the way you may think. Unless it's some ridiculous numerical set (like 1,237,564.9860598 divided by 23.48596756, or the number 17) I will almost always try to do things in my head or write them out on paper first. It is then that I like to check my answers with the calculator.

The instructor decided, I am assuming unknowingly, to torture me by having a non-calculator portion of the test. I am thankful that the class period is two hours because the non-calculator portion of the test took me a little over an hour. I checked and rechecked and erased and redid and stared so hard at the paper I almost burned a hole right through it and the table underneath it. I swear at one point smoke was coming out my ears and the numbers in one linear equation jumped up and started doing the Chacha.

Regardless I survived. I think I actually did ok, but we'll see when I get the test back next week.

The Importance of Persistance

Unemployment is sort of a catch 22. It's fantastic because when that money shows up in your account it's like, "Oh! Free money!". But it's also a pain in the neck. Really it's good that the government doesn't make it too easy. Plenty of people milk it, I'm sure. But seriously, it would be really, really nice if they made it at least easier to talk to a real person.
On Friday I had called up the automated unemployment line for my bi-weekly check in. This week I had to answer a few questions differently, however, because I had started school. At the end of the phone call MARVIN tells you how much your check will be for. This week he said, "A check cannot be issued at this time. You must call the inquiry line. Goodbye."

...

...

... WHAT?!

This was about a DEFCON 3 (see my entry titled A Debate, A Desire, A Dream, A Decision for more details about that). Mostly I was worried because I have tried to call the Unemployment Agency a few times in the past and each time I was on hold for about 30 minutes before the system told me to try to call again later and booted me off. Why should this time be any different? A series of thoughts ran through my mind, including how maybe this unemployment thing really just isn't worth it and I should just look for a minamum wage part time job or that Alex and I could just eat once a week to save on groceries.

But reason won and I reluctantly dialed the number for the agency, set my phone to speaker mode, and put it down on the table next to me while I surfed the internet. Alex came home while I was waiting and he told me about his day. I checked the phone and saw that I had actually made it past the 30 minute mark. A small glimmer of hope sparked to life within me. Could it possibly be that I might just get through to someone today? My friend Emily told me that the folks on the inquiry line were very nice and quite helpful to her. Did I dare to hope?

Alex and I got a snack and some drinks and sat down to talk about our budget for the month. I checked the phone again and saw that it had been about a hour. I've got the commercials they play on the hold line memorized now. Now my hope was beginning to get fiesty. I shook my finger at the phone and said, "You'd better not boot me or I'm sending you my cell phone bill!"

Alex got on the computer and I started reviewing my biology homework. Suddenly the hold music stopped and the line rang. I grabbed the phone and turned it back to regular mode, breathlessly waiting with it held to my ear. Would I hear a real human voice or that cursed "No one is available to take your call," phrase. And then it happened. The voice of an angel said, "Michigan Unemployment Agency, how may I help you?"

I literally squeeled with delighted relief and exclaimed, "AH! I am so glad to be talking to real person!" The lady on the other end laughed and I continued, "Seriously, I've been on hold for an hour! I'm so glad you answered!" She expressed her sympathy to me for having to wait so long and asked me what she could do for me. I explained the issue and she said she could help me. At one point she asked if she could put me on hold for just a minute while she checked something. I gave a nervous laugh and said, "Yes, but only if you promise me you're going to come back." Within a few minutes the problem was resolved and she told me how to avoid needing to call them again in the future.

All in all I am thankful for Unemployment, even if it's a pain. Really it's worth it. Alex and I would be struggling greatly without it. So what's the moral of the story?

Be persistant. Nice ladies will put money into your checking account.

The Bowels: You Move Me, Baby

I think it probably says something about me that I get excited whenever my instructor talks about digestive enzymes in my anatomy class. For those of you who have known me for a while you will probably remember that my stomach and I are not always best friends. I fall under that ambiguous umbrella of IBS: Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Thankfully for me it is easily managed by diet. I am the queen of label reading when it comes to finding out how much fiber a supposedly whole grain cereal has, and my husband says that since we got married he has never been so regular in his life. In order to combat my physical ailment I decided to educate myself to wellness. I know more about the way the human digestive system works than you probably ever care to hear about.

The past two weeks (holy wa, 2 already!?) have shown me just how fascinated I am by the human body. It's gross and complicated and beautiful and simple all at the same time. As much as I have been enjoying my guitar classes, anatomy wins the favorite award, hands down. The way God put us together is truly amazing. And it reveals his logic. Something Alex often talks about is how the God of the Bible is different from any other god in that we can actually know Him. God is mysterious, yes, and we certainly will never be able to fully understand Him, but He can be known. I have come to understand that one of the ways in which we can know God is by studying nature and science.

During the early years of American intellectualism the study of science and christianity went hand in hand. It was not until much later that the two became divided when man became falsely convinced of the superiority of his own intellect (if we were so smart you'd think we woulda figured out by now how to fix our screwed up lives, wouldn't we?). There was a time when people studied our world because they believed that God created it in an ordered fashion that could be understood and would make logical sense. Studying the body has shown me just how very true that is.

In anatomy there is a rule that structure determines function. Your bones are put together in such a way as to allow you to move and manipulate your environment. Even down to your very cells God built everything in your body to work a certain way, and it's functioning is simply an amazing, complicated, delicately balanced work of art. How beautiful!

We will be starting our cadavar labs in a few weeks. I am so excited. I hope I don't throw up.

In search of a feeling

Labor Day has come and gone, and so has my first week of classes. I am a total nerd. I cannot believe how incredibly geeked I have felt to be back at school. There are several other returning, adult students such as myself, but by and large I would have to say that most of my fellow students are people just fresh out of high school. They roll their eyes and whine and complain about how they just can't believe that summer is over. And oh my, how they bemoan their academic responsibilities. In order to not completely ostracize myself I smile politely and do kartwheels on the inside.

There is something incredibly different about being back at school now that I'm in my late twenties and I've done this all before. I suppose the biggest difference is I have such a clear idea of what I want and what I'm after. The sense of purpose I have discovered is the biggest driving force behind my newfound enjoyment of academia. The first time I was in college I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do. I switched majors three times. And if I am completely honest with myself I will say that I was absolutely, without a doubt much more concerned with my social life and friendships than I ever was about my degree. I do not regret the time I spent at Calvin. The shared experience I had was wonderful, challenging and maturing. I'm glad I went because of the chance it gave me to spend some time with some great people, form some lasting friendships, meet my husband, and allow me to work in the creative industry for a few years.

Things are differnt this time around, however. I am on a mission. The OT program is INTENSELY competative. GVSU only has thirty spots open each year and beleive me, they look at your grades. That means I don't have time to be screwing around. Especially because two of my classes are so challenging: Anatomy & Physiology and Intermediate Algebra. So far so good. My profs are nice people that actually like to smile and joke around (which I find to be incredibly rare in the world of mathematics). My classes are very interesting and I'm excited about what I'm going to learn (is it sad when you get to feeling passionate about digestion?).

It all seems kind of strange to be back in college after five years, but I also feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that is one of the best feelings in the world.