Edge of Eternity

Twilight befalls my troubled mind

I lay unmoving at your feet

I wait for a sign so grandiose

Are your words unheard in my defeat?

I still want to hear what I want to hear

But I need to hear what I need

Will your promises carry me tonight?

Lifting me high as the world drags me down

A willing puppet on a string

The strings are in your hands

I confess I’m afraid you’ll jerk me around

I’m so tired of trying again

Will you walk with me tonight?

Through this darkness, through this valley

Lead me to the light

I fear I’ll never hear what I want to hear

But I’m more afraid of what I need

Will your promises carry me tonight?

Lifting me high as the world drags me down

Just a puppet on a string

The strings are in your hands

And I’m afraid of what you’re going to do now

As I dance on the edge of eternity

Echoes of forever are stirred with each step

And as I dance I can see you at my journey’s end

But I don’t know how to get there yet

Redeem my past

Secure my future

But just don’t leave me here

If I must stay then please dance with me

How long must I

Learn these steps?

Just help me make it through

Make it through just one more day

Of dancing

Of dancing

Of dancing

Near eternity

At Last It Feels Like Home

I received a very nice compliment from our pastor's wife a few days ago. She told me that I make wherever I live feel like home.

I will unabashedly admit to having entirely too many wall decor items for my own good. Since my husband insists on using the bookshelves for books instead of decorative items like any frequent viewer of a Pottery Barn catalog will tell you they are supposed to be used for, I am forced to hang everything on the walls.

When we were first married I went a little crazy. It became apparent that we couldn't afford for my apartment to look like something out of the pages of a Martha Stewart Living magazine so I think I overindulged in what we could afford, which was picture frames. This past move, we actually gave away a lot of items we had that weren't getting much use or that I had discovered I didn't actually like all that much. It felt good to whittle down my collection. I was left with mostly photographs of family.

It's important to me to personalize my living space, and it's also important to me to have visual reminders of the people who love me. When someone comes over to my home I love being able to show them who I'm talking about when I mention Mom or Dad or one of Alex's many siblings. And that's what makes a place feel like home. It is not matching furniture (we still don't have anything that matches, but it's comfy and I like it ^_^) or perfectly arranged books and knick-knacks, but reminders of love. Mine are hanging on the walls all around me.

I still find myself longing for a replica of a Crate & Barrel display from time to time, but when Mynda (our pastor's wife) complimented me on being able to make wherever I live feel like home I know that's not what she meant. Think about your favorite place on earth, the place you feel the most comfortable, warm and safe. It's probably not the show floor of Ikea, is it? I really used to think I needed that in order to have a "nice" home, but when I think about my favorite places to be it always involves people more than decor or furniture.

I finally managed to get all of my decor hung in the new apartment this week. The old addage is a little cliche, but I realize just how true it is. Home is indeed where your heart is. Better Homes & Gardens and Martha Stewart may try to convince you otherwise, but take it from someone who has lived four different places in the last three years and managed to always feel at home. My heart is on my sleeve, on the walls of my abode, and with each person that I love. All I need to do is look around my family room and see that I am indeed home.

Lately I've Been Feeling Low

The final grind as I press on toward the end of the semester is upon me. Quite heavily, I might add. The last few weeks I have been greatly frustrated at my poor time management skills. I intend to study a little bit each day before a test and suddenly it's the day before the test and I haven't really studied at all. Somehow I've been managing to stay afloat, but it often feels like just barely.

Amidst the struggles I've questioned what I'm doing. The harsh reality is that at bare minimum my schooling endeavor will take another 2.5 years to complete. There is just no way around it because of the program's clinicals. I simply cannot go any faster. That is daunting, because I feel as though all I've been doing the last 4 years of my life is waiting. It isn't as though Alex and I haven't been growing or making any sort of headway. We are actually very close to paying off one of our student loans and I know that we have both matured in our marriage and deepened our faith. But there is something about not having a career that you feel fulfilled in and are excited to grow in that seems to leave an overshading.

Perhaps we have become fixated? It is difficult to say. Oddly enough, whenever I start to feel blue about our career/schooling situations I start to have whimsical fantasies about working in a cute bakery. But then I remind myself about what a sweet deal I have going on with being able to attend school for free, and that working in a bakery is something I can easily do at any point in my life.

Dave Ramsey often says that children do what feels good, adults make a plan and stick to it because delayed gratification shows maturity. I believe it and I want to live it, but... darn it, I'm tired and I want a cookie.

Twenty-One Days Later

I think this has been the most stressful three weeks of my life. I said it in the last post and I will say it again: Never EVER move in the middle of the semester. I am inclined to think it would have been much better if we waited until Thanksgiving or even Christmas break before we moved. But God is good. He is so very good indeed.

We had an AMAZING turn out of people to help us move. In fact, we had so many people that there wasn't enough for everyone to do! Our church family really stepped up to give us a hand. The move went well, especially compared to the last time when we moved in February and about a foot of snow fell that day.

I have been loving walking to school everyday. I am so thankful to live in an area of town that has a high volume of pedestrian traffic. Even in the early morning when it's still dark I feel safe because of how many other people are walking to work and school. I've also been enjoying having time now to use the weight room at school (perfect timing because of the quickly turning weather) but I have yet to make use of the pool.

The apartment itself has been good, but required some adjusting on my part. I am not, for example, used to radiators. Neither is Alex. At first we thought some strange hissing, banging creature was in the walls until we opened up the bathroom door and realized the heat had turned on. Those things are amazing efficient; there are only two in the entire apartment and we have regularly been opening up the windows to rid ourselves of the sauna like conditions we often find ourselves in. I am expecting that to be wonderful come January, but for now I keep my shorts and tank tops handy. I am readjusting to the lack of the conveniences of a garbage disposal and a dishwasher, but thankfully we did not have to live without a microwave thanks to the generosity of some church friends who happened to have an extra one in their pole barn.

SO far my favorite thing is the huge bay window we have in the living room that looks down to the tree lined street below. The window stretches nearly the entire length of the wall and goes almost from the floor to the ceiling. It lets in so much daylight and I love sitting in our glorified bean bag (the love sac) in front of it while I do homework.

I've been stressed, but I've been equally blessed, and I am so thankful for God's provision and love.